One of those days

Today has been one of those days where I have to force myself out of bed. It was 12pm when I finally parted with my pillow and decided I would get dressed and go out to do something today. Everything in me wanted to sleep my day away. I ended up going to the movies and had a lot of sugar which usually makes me pretty happy. Not the healthiest ways to get happy, but it works for me. I literally had sugar all day, which is pretty bad the more I think about it and realizing I didn’t bother having any sort of real food or meal today. Anyways, I went out to the movies then after I went to Hoboken piers with my spiritual Mom and Dad and one of my good friends. I got to breathe in fresh air, eat ice cream and look at how beautiful the view is there. I love spending time with them, their presence just puts joy in my heart. I get home around 10:00pm and shower and just start to relax and get ready for work in the morning. My mind doesn’t sleep though it’s like I’m ready for bed, but instead I’m awake thinking about stuff that happened when I was ten years old and from there it’s just a journey of memories that usually put me in a bad or melancholic mood. Now it’s 12:30am and I wish I was asleep, but I can’t fall asleep or get my brain to think about positive thoughts. It’s a nightmare that I’m literally awake for and I’m not quite sure how else to explain it. I want to feel happy, but no matter what I do it’s like happiness only visits. It always escapes before I grab tight enough to it. As a Christian I’m supposed to say “the joy of the Lord dwells inside me all the time” or something like that, but I can’t sit here and act like everyday isn’t a struggle. It’s hard to keep Joy when there are so many things working against that Joy I’m supposed to have. I can’t be the only one who has this problem and I won’t be one of those who pretend that they don’t struggle. I’m human and I struggle and I want to throw in the towel at times, but in the midst of feeling the way I do at this very moment I know God has purpose for it all and that Joy comes in the morning. I know I can’t always change my feeling or battle at the very moment, but I can learn and grow through it all. I choose to fight. Not to lay paralyzed with tears flooding my eyes, like the passed. I simply write, even if I delete it the next morning. This is how I deal with my jumble of thoughts. It doesn’t always make too much sense, but this is my release, my personal therapy, my medicine. I’m just choosing to share it with the world.

One thought on “One of those days

  1. Joy will prevail.
    Joy comes in the morning.
    Don’t stand with your arms crossed, be the soldier you are called to be. Continue to share your Innermost thoughts. It will be a medicine for you and others. I love you more!!!!!
    Beautifully written..

    Liked by 1 person

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