It’s crazy to me looking back at everything I have been through and overcame. I see that where I was isn’t where I am today. Knowing that because of God and His grace, mercy and love in my life I am walking into greater. The best is yet before me and I believe it and I feel it and I’m confident in whom has control and the final word in my life. I’m convinced that there is nothing I could ever do and no decision I could ever make that God wouldn’t intervene in. I belong to God and I see his hand covering me every single day of my life. There has been so much that I have had to let go, surrender and unlearn. There has been tough times, times where I’ve wanted to walk away and give up on God and give up on myself, But God has always brought me right back to where He wants me. I’ve overcome addictions, unveiled a lot of feelings I’ve always kept hidden and I am definitely still a work in progress, but I’m proud of who I am today. There’s no criticism or judgement that could ever make me see myself less than what God calls me. I know what God brought me out of. I know the identity the devil wants me to wear, but that’s not who I am. I’m not what I’ve done and I’m not defined by my environment. God says I’m the product of steps ordained by Him and He makes everything work for the good. He’s the God that turns things around and cleans up our disasters. He’s the God that leaves the 99 to find the 1. He’s the God that loves us even when we can’t love ourselves. He’s the God that kills your plans before they kill you. Because of that I’m forever grateful. I’m thankful for the no’s in my life and only God knows all the plans I had for myself and come to find out He already had his own plans mapped out for me. I still struggle, I still battle sometimes, but I have peace knowing the battle has already been won for me and that there are better days ahead. I love who God is creating in me even if nobody else knows what God has done in my heart, I know and He knows how forever grateful I am, knowing that I don’t deserve it and yet He chose to die for my sins and to love me for eternity.
People are temporary. I don’t have any if’s, and’s or but’s about it. Everyone in your life is temporary, even the one’s you think are forever. You never know what tomorrow holds. You can be here today and gone tomorrow. Embrace every moment because you never know when someone will be gone. I want to be angry and tell you to never let anyone close enough to hurt you. Except the only thing about that is if you never let anyone in close then you will never know what it feels like for someone to truly love you for you. You will never experience intimate moments with someone or have any memories really worth anything to you because you never let anyone close enough to mean anything to you. Seasons change and with those seasons people pass as well. I feel completely torn and broken and devastated because I feel like anyone I let in either leaves or dies and I’m at a loss. I know that the pain I feel because of their absence is nothing compared to the emptiness I would feel without their love. At least I have memories and experiences, I have something of worth because of the people who have came and gone. Don’t allow fear of abandonment over power the need to be loved. Don’t close yourself up to everyone just because you have been disappointed in the past . Trust that God is aligning the right people around you, not to hurt you, but to protect you. Try not to shut down or harden your heart because at the end of the day you’re only doing damage to yourself. Maybe you suffered a loss and don’t know how to deal with it? Just know God will never take anything away without giving you something in return, you may feel empty, but He won’t leave you empty.
1 John 4:7-8 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
When everyone else around you seems to be too busy for you, God is never too busy for you. When nobody seems to understand how you feel and the battle you are having, God understands. Yet there are times when we want to vent to everyone else, but God. Then we wonder why we don’t feel any better. God says to us “Cast your cares on me” because He cares for us. It’s weird how sometimes you can open up to people, but you find it hard to open up to God. He promised He would never leave nor forsake us. People are temporary, but God is eternal. Take heart that God has everything under control. Be still, allow Him to purge you and purify you no matter how uncomfortable it is. Know that the pressing, the breaking, the struggle, the process is all worth it in the end.
Proverbs 3:5 – Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
What I’ve learned is judgement will come from anywhere. Family, friends, people who think they know you, but you just have to stay true to yourself and not let other’s opinions effect seeing yourself the way God called you to see yourself. In the words of my pastor, “If you live for people’s approval you will die over their rejection.” Everyone is different with their own perspective and ideas and not everyone has the same capacity as you. Romans 12:3 says, “For by grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgement, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” It’s our job as Christians to fill ourselves with the word of God so that when lies come our way from people or the enemy we don’t let it effect us because we already know the truth. Some people like to use your mistakes or downfalls against you, but God uses them for you. Romans 8:28 says, “For we know all things work together for the good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” The Bible says “all things” that means the good things and bad things. I feel like we forget that God loves us all equally. It’s not about “fair” it’s about Grace. We all deserve Hell, but God died on the cross while we were yet still sinners so that by His blood we can be redeemed. So when I find that others are talking negatively about me I draw closer to God and His truth. It’s easy to become bitter, but we must realize God is molding our character every day to make us better. People’s judgement shows more about them then it does about us, but how we choose to react to it shows where we are with God as well. 1 Peter 3:9 says, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing. That is what God called you to do, and He will bless you for it.” So instead of taking what people say about you to other people take it to God. He knows all things and He will give you the strength and boldness to walk with your head held high. Never stoop down to others levels, but instead rise above and prove yourself with actions and not with words. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by others criticism, trust me it’s a waste of time. Keep your eyes and ears fixed on God. It’s normal to be upset or hurt especially if it’s from someone who you care about, but you can be angry without sin. Have a Holy anger, the type that builds up not an anger that breaks others down. The people who know who you are will never let rumors or negative talk about you effect the way they see you. God will reveal to you who is who. So with this I say walk the path God has laid out for you, be obedient to the Holy Spirit within you, and don’t let man’s opinion hinder your outlook on who God says you are.
There are days when I feel like I’m on top of the world, but then there are the days where I feel like the world is on top of me. Through the ups and the downs one thing remains, which is Gods steadfast love for me. When I’m on high, speaking life or down and out about to self destruct God will always be the source of my strength. There was a time where I was having a terrible day and I don’t remember all the details, but I remember desperately crying on my bedroom floor. I wasn’t sure if there was a God and If there was why He hated me so much and why He allowed me to go through everything I did. I was broken and angry and lost with no where to turn. So I laid there on my floor kicking and hitting myself and asking God ”why?” why did He hate me so much and why did He make me to just be miserable all the time and not allow me to kill myself? I wanted to die and I didn’t care, but if there was a God he made me an aunt. One thing I wanted more than to die was to make my little angels smile. I was angry because I wanted to commit suicide, but I couldn’t because I knew that would break their hearts. So all I could say to God was ”why?” Fast forward about seven years I find myself in another state visiting a church and this evangelist comes up to me in my bench and starts speaking to me as if He knew me and He brought up the time of me in my room and all I could do is cry. I knew that was God who was speaking and not man, I knew from that moment God was real. From then on there has been many hills and valleys I have gone through, but never alone. I know that God is with me and that He is for me. I know that even in my mistakes and short comings He never gives up on me because He’s created me for more. It’s God who has been my light in the darkness and He has personally reminded me that He is God and that He created me for Him. I learned that I’m not the product of my environment, but rather the product of steps ordained by God. I am certain that no matter how low I get, God will raise me higher. No matter what mountain I face if I have faith as small as a mustard seed I can tell the mountain to move and it will move. Above everything I know who I belong to and what He says I am.
If you find yourself questioning your purpose just put your hand on your heart and feel it beating and know that you are alive today because God saw fit for you to be. You are alive for a reason and even if you don’t know what that reason is yet embrace your journey. You never know who is watching you overcome and gaining hope that one day they can overcome too.
Everyone experiences a time in their life where they go through something difficult or unpleasant. Sometimes others can identify when you are going through a difficult time other times you are able to mask your feelings and camouflage your situation. I’ve been through things where others could tell clearly something was wrong and sometimes I battle things with a smile on my face and ”normal” behavior.
I wrote ”Dear Depression” when I was in the midst of getting over a situation I was dealing with. I wrote it without necessarily feeling it, but I did, however, write it in faith. When I submitted it I immediately felt liberation! It was as if I could live happily ever after off that high forever. It would be easy to say the battle was over after I wrote a goodbye letter to depression, but that’s not so.
Unfortunately, not many people are open about their struggles, but the bible says clearly in 2Corinthians 12:9 that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness and we are to boast gladly in our weakness so that Christ’s power can work through us. The bible doesn’t say to hide your weakness from each other or to use your weaknesses against each other, but to boast that you are in need of God. God wants to show off in us, but we are too prideful of our situation that we stop God from getting the glory of turning our situations around. I refuse to continue to be that person. I want to be transparent and show people that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to feel down and out for a while without being ashamed or embarrassed like I was. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.
I have been in my solitude moment for a little while now and just wanting to be alone or just wanting to sleep and having excessive headaches and feeling the lack of motivation and restlessness and fatigue and I hate it, but I can’t snap my fingers and make everything sunshine and flowers either. I know a lot of people don’t understand what it’s like. It’s not something you choose and its not something that just goes away because you want it to. It’s like spilling a glass of water and being upset about it for the whole week. Normally when something a little disappointing happens you get over it fairly quickly or don’t let it bother you that much, but with me its like I just shut down and I turn into a whole different person and I don’t want to speak or see anyone at all. I’m talking about for days I just don’t want to be bothered by anyone and I want to be left alone and sleep my life away.
This affects not only yourself but it affects your friends and the people around you. It’s hard when someone I love says ”Hey Bri what’s wrong, you haven’t been yourself lately.” and I don’t have an answer for them. How do I explain to other people that I go through this, but I’m gonna be okay? That if you just give me some time I’ll be Brianna again. Yes, I fall into this mood sometimes, but that’s not who I am. God always lifts me back up, His power is perfected in my weakness. I am able to write positive in the midst of feeling negative because my God is greater than my feelings. The awesome thing is that as humans our thoughts and feelings and emotions change, but God is constant so no matter what I’m going through or getting through in life I’m still able to worship God because He is the same one who was, who is and who is to come.
So if you find yourself going through what I am just know you aren’t alone. Know that you are stronger than you believe because it’s often the strongest people who feel the weakest. It’s okay to go through a rough patch, just don’t stay there. For those who don’t deal with depression then take this as a lesson because maybe someone you know battles with it and you can better understand that sometimes it’s not a ”what’s wrong” situation. Sometimes people just need a hug and silence or an ”I love you.” use my transparency how you want it, maybe this will inspire you to be open about your own struggles. You never know who needs to hear that they aren’t dealing with something alone.
We all know that one person who is negative about everything . The one that we try to avoid at all cost because they can really ruin our mood at times. It would be easy to talk about distancing yourself from those people, but what about the people we consider our friends? You know, the people we allow in our circle and spill our thoughts and feelings to. I know I’m not alone when I say that I have had to cut some people out of my life this new year, simply because I made up in my mind that I’m chasing after God with all that I have and not allowing any body to hold me back. There are people that God connects you to, but then there are those who come as stumbling blocks. It’s our job to analyze our lives and determine if those people are going to help us progress or digress in our walk with God. The moment I realized that God put people in my life to challenge me and to help me grow spiritually is when I also saw those people who did the opposite. Some relationships I had weren’t healthy or bringing me closer to God. The Holy Spirit started to work in me and showed me that I needed to let go. It became a battle between my flesh and my spirit because let’s be honest, it’s easy to get attached to people when they seem to be there for you when no one else is. Being alone with God is better than being with bad company. I saw that my behavior, my speech, my thoughts were changing the more I gave my time and my ear to those people. It wasn’t changing for the better either, they brought cloudy judgement and confusion to my mind. Now looking back I see where my life could have took a turn for destruction, But God. God loves us so much that He will start bringing an uncomfortableness and conviction when you give your precious time to casual people. You will feel in your gut that maybe you shouldn’t answer that phone call or text message, maybe you should separate yourself and ask God “Who is who?” Just like Judas was in Jesus’s circle there are people who are close to us that want to see us die spiritually or who the enemy will use for our downfall. However there are those that you clash with in life that God placed there purposely to mold your character so ask God for discernment. Letting go and letting God is humanly hard because it requires faith and trust in God and let’s be honest we love to be in control. You have to know that people come and go, but God is eternal. Some people are seasonal, some people you just out grow and it’s okay to move forward with your life. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” This is one of my favorite bible verses because it speaks to me ever so clearly. Even when I want to settle for an ordinary life God called me for greater. He loves me so much that He reminds me not to settle for just any type of relationship or friendship. He reminds me that He didn’t create me to be weighed down or harmed, but to thrive! How can we prosper when we are hanging with people that have a slave mentality? Proverbs 13:20 says “Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.” I found myself in a place of being unsatisfied with my life and in reality it was the Holy Spirit shaking me out of that lukewarm lifestyle. I had a choice, obey or disobey. I wanted to finally start seeing myself the way God sees me and living that abundant life. I had to start walking forward and not going in the same circle. I had to break free from everyone and everything that was hindering me from walking in complete obedience. My pastor said one day “partial obedience is complete disobedience.” I had to let go and let God and the moment I did I started to detox. Detox is a process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances. The process isn’t easy and you may go through your own type of withdrawals, like having to refrain from any type of contact with them, but the end results will be a new and improved, healthier minded you. At the end of the day the ball is in our court and we must choose between being satisfied with where we are or wanting more. Once we put our faith into action God will be there to back us up all the way. It’s a scary move and a selfish one. Maybe this your season where God is telling you “it’s okay to be selfish this time.” Don’t be like a balloon filled with helium, but still not soaring because you refuse to detach yourself to the weight that’s holding you down. Today if you are reading this God is calling you to excel! It’s a new season, the past is over! There is a fresh oil coming, take that step and don’t look back!
Perhaps you find yourself in a place of solitude this season or maybe you just feel alone in a room full of people thinking none of them could possibly relate to what you’re going through or feeling. In no way shape or form is this a fun season, but it’s definitely a necessary one. “Why?” It’s necessary because this is where God breaks spiritual paralysis in your life. This is where you learn to depend on God alone. This is where you learn to pour yourself out to God and not other people. This is your time to grow and to hear directly from God. “What if God is silent?” God’s silence doesn’t mean God’s absence. This can also be a season where God is testing your faith to see if you really trust Him when He says “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” We have to know as His children that He is Jehovah-Shammah, He is ever present! If we can sense the presence of our carnal parents without them speaking, how much more should we be able to feel the presence of God? God has chosen to take us out of a mediocre relationship with Him even if that means stripping away everything that we have chosen to put before Him. Silence can sometimes feel deafening, but what are you doing in the absence of others? Are you seeking after your friends or something to do or are you seeking the face of God? It’s easy to become discouraged and leave room for the enemy to feed you lies if you aren’t filling your free time with more of God. I have gone through it, the feeling as If nobody gets me, the feeling that God has forgotten about me, feeling like I’m just stuck, but it gets better. When you open your spiritual eyes and embrace your alone time with God you will realize the privilege it is. He loves you enough to do what you wouldn’t do yourself, take out time for you. He is in a constant pursuit of our hearts. He isn’t satisfied with just hearing from us in a church service like we are at times. He wants more of us and not only that He wants all of us. When we can mean it when we say “God here I am I don’t have anything else, but I surrender myself to you.” God will flood into all that space you just made for Him.
So I pray today that all the empty space in your life will be filled with more of God. I pray that today you will ask God to open up your spiritual eyes and to help your unbelief. I pray that you will embrace every moment you have with just you and God and that you will become the powerful vessel He is calling you to be, in Jesus name, Amen.
I’m writing to tell you that your time in my life is over. You have became a weight that I refuse to carry any longer. This may be disappointing to you to know, but I found someone else. His name is Joy He also goes by Love, you may know Him by “Elohim” . He’s all that I need and I no longer have space in my heart for you to dwell. You have been suffocating me and I can’t stand the sight of you. You have done nothing, but waste my precious time. Everything always has to revolve around you. You’re selfish and it’s time to start thinking about greater. You’re just holding me back from living my life. It’s like with Him “I Can Do All Things”. All you do is lie to me all the time. You always put me down even when I’m trying my best. You told me that life wasn’t worth living and that I have no purpose in life, but I saw it.. I saw my purpose and it was beautiful and selfless and everything that’s opposite of who you are. He opened my eyes and showed me everything you said I wasn’t. I’m sure your pretty enraged right now because you realize that you’re never getting me back, but you can’t touch me anymore because I won’t allow it and even if I did, He won’t allow it. I’ve been “made free so I am free indeed.” Your schemes don’t work anymore. Your lies don’t fool me anymore. You try to hide yourself behind others. You try to portray yourself as something fulfilling, but you just leave an emptiness inside. I had to cut you off because I don’t want my future kids around you. I wouldn’t want them to even know you. I don’t want the ones I love to see me turn into you. So it ends here. It ends with me and goes no further. I know you thought you would have more time, so did I. You thought you had more generations to go, but it stops here with no strings attached. The locks are already changed and your residue is cleaned out and my heart is shining bright like never before. Take your memories with you I won’t be needing them. You wasted years of my life, but the time I have left here will be spent selflessly. They will be spent uncovering your tricks and showing others that they can leave you, just as I did. My life will no longer be controlled by you, but rather yielded to the one who created it. He is the Lord of lords , the King of kings and He has called me out of your darkness into His marvelous light. I’m NEVER going back.
Daughter of the King
Family isn’t always connected by DNA. Sometimes they are the ones who help put you back together when you are broken. They are the ones who push you to your greatest potential. They are the ones who make you laugh a little more and worry a little less. They are the ones who understand your craziness and join in on your weirdness. They pick on you for the fun of it and have your back in your rights and wrongs. They tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear. They are the ones who answer you back after midnight when you need to vent. They lift you up when your down and if they can’t lift you up they lay down and listen. They never give up on you and love you unconditionally. They are the ones who make you feel like you belong!